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The fear of being seen

For years I was scared, terrified really, to be seen.

I don’t mean physically seen, like someone seeing me at the store, or in my car, etc.

I mean someone really seeing me. Seeing me in my moment of being me, the real me. Someone seeing me…. In my honest quirky expression In my anxious overwhelmed state In my fear of being loved In my sensitivity….. Seeing ME in it all

I grew up in a military household. It was black and white.

There were strict orders and the failure to follow said orders, gave the implication that I was endangering the squad… the family unit.

So…

When I cried I was met with orders. Failure to meet these orders meant pain and destruction to the self and the family unit.

Don’t cry, it’s a sign of weakness. Others will be able to weaponize your weaknesses and use them against you, against us. Don’t cry, don’t be weak, and do NOT give ammunition to the enemy…. and you never know who is your enemy so best to assume that everyone is.

When I wanted to follow a path outside of the normal family/social unit, I was met with orders. Failure to meet these orders meant rejection, isolation, and possibly destruction of self.

Don’t stand out in that way When you step out of line, when you go down the path of least acceptance the world will see. You’ll become a target While everyone else is on the path to happiness and success, you will be isolated following your dreams of healing and fluff. You’ll be rejected by the world, by your squad, you’ll stand out like a disease. No one will be able to support you, because supporting you means being a target and abandoning the world.

So many rules that I internalized on my sense of self.

No wonder it was scary to share my feelings with people.. with myself. No wonder it was hard for me to accept when I needed support.

Of course it was hard for me to accept and understand my emotions. Of course it was scary to feel like I could be myself.

I had internalized all of that. I mean I was a kid, how was I supposed to know?

To be myself To share my dreams To express my emotions To stand out It all meant rejection, isolation and destruction; not only to me, but to my family unit.

The hardest part of this internalization was not only that I believed it, but when moments came into my life where I felt hurt from being emotional, different, sensitive, etc.

I believed I deserved it.

“If only I hadn’t said how I felt.” “If only I would have shut my mouth and kept walking.

It’s a hard realization to accept. That your family or your society has created such a limiting mold for you. A mold that is too small for you, (too small for anyone really).

The thing is when we try and force ourselves to stay in that limited mold, we find ourselves caged. Caged by expectations and narratives and fears that are not ours, not true, and not healthy.

We live in a world where there are so many people but, there is only one YOU.

When we move through life hiding parts of ourselves, dismissing ourselves, judging ourselves, we can find ourselves feeling empty.

It’s hard to really connect to people when you’ve shut off, or numbed a part of yourself. It’s hard to feel safe in the world when you still believe that there is still a chance that the world will turn on you.

It’s hard, damn… life is hard.

BUT,

The beautiful thing is, now you have power. You have choice.

There are so many people who shine bright, who don’t follow the path of the normal. These are people that we actually tend to celebrate, to idolize, to look up to.

We find ourselves in the moments of deepest intimacy when we share and connect to our vulnerabilities. We feel a huge relief when we are able to talk about our fears, our anxieties; when we can allow for the release of these stored emotional energies.

We find authentic connection and support when we know who we are and when we invite in people who choose to support the real us, because they see us.

They see us for who we really are, a unique expression of light and wonder.

I know it can be really scary and daunting thinking about who you really are.

I just want you to know that underneath all of that expectation, fear, judgment, heavy shit…. is you.

The younger version of you who wanted to play and be, is still there, covered in the weight of your experiences.

Your authentic voice is there ready to express and be heard, covered in the weight of your experiences.

YOU are there, your purpose, your passion, your light, your gifts they are all there, covered in the weight of your experiences but there none the less.

How different do you think life would feel if you got to be yourself in it. If you responded to moments in your life not from a place of fear or expectation, but from a place of authenticity of inner illumination.

I know I don’t know you but…

I know that you have been in a place of distorted reality for some time (we all are I mean have you looked at the news and the state of the world!)

I know that you might be really scared

I know that you might feel alone

I know that you have such light and wonder to bring to this world.

I know that what you think are your weaknesses are probably your greatest gifts.

I know that the world would not be the same without you and that the world would vibrate at an unknown level if you had the opportunity to radiate even morevin it.

I love you, I love the real you. Des Caminos https://www.theinterconnectedself.com

Everything in this post and all posts on this site are part of the intellectual property of Des Caminos. These are messages from my heart to yours.

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